I’m down more than 40 pounds from my starting weight in Novemeber. Sometimes, it’s closer to 45 pounds, but the scale keeps bouncing up and down, making me absolutely insane lately. I am trying to give myself a break. I’ve worked hard and I’ve seen lots of progress. I’m going to pause and reflect. While I’ve lost a lot of weight and I’m happy about that, I’m more than a number on the scale. I’ve realized that losing weight isn’t solve all my problems. Feelings and fears about being good enough, from so long ago, have bubbled to the surface. I’ve had to fight those fears and sometimes the feelings are difficult.
If there was anything I would tell Little Laura, my little girl self, it would be, “You are enough! You’re smart enough, you’re pretty enough, you’re loved, and you are worthy!” As a young person, especially in my young adult years, I searched aimlessly to figure out what I needed to be worthy of love. I think it would surprise some, at how insecure I really was. I tended to overcompensate with an overinflated ego, in an attempt to cover up how small and insignificant I felt. I wasn’t thin enough. I was smart, I knew, but I wasn’t as smart as my peers. I wasn’t sure I was loveable and my atrocious behavior didn’t help my cause, at times.
As a grown up, in my 40’s, I realize that I’ve held on to so many of those beliefs. I’m never thin enough, smart enough, talented enough, pretty enough, etc., etc., etc. I am celebrating losing more than 40 pounds since Thanksgiving and it is occurring to me how much of those things I told myself in my 20’s that I still believe. That is something I’ve come to realize, is holding me back from taking risks. I have a habit of believing the old stories I have played over and over in my head, instead of creating new stories—stories that are kinder and gentler—ones that have much happier endings.
So, today, as I look at my before and after pictures, I’m going to be kind. Even at my bigger size, I was just as worthy of love and kindness as I am today.
Running is going so well! I couldn’t be any happier! I have gotten faster and I’m enjoying it so much more! I’ve been running with the Temecula chapter of Moms Run This Town, a running group that is just outstanding! I’ve run a few times every week with either the Temecula chapter or the San Diego chapter. I’m making friends. I’m challenging myself, and I’m getting stronger! I love running right now! I’ve been getting up at 4 and 5 in the morning to make some of the meetups. This weekend, I’m going to tackle the Torrey Pines hill, in preparation of the the La Jolla Half, that is coming up in just one month! This is my second to last run before I start to taper.
My weight loss has been extremely slow and I have times when I get very discouraged. I know I’m putting my all into and I’m getting tons of support at Lindora. It’s just that my body has begun to get very resistant to any weight loss. I was reminded by one of the nurses that when your body is used to a certain weight for so long, it becomes very stubborn to shed those unwanted pounds. I don’t understand the science behind it, I just know that I haven’t been this weight in at least 6 years. I believe it has been much longer than that. I imagine my body is in shock, shedding so much weight, in a few months, really!
Today, I’m going to work hard on my fitness. I’m going to give it my all in all ways in my diet. I’m going to give myself a break, because I’m beginning to see that I’m worthy. I don’t have to beat myself up. I’m doing the best I can and that’s all I can ask of myself. In all honesty, I’ve seen so much growth in all aspects of my life. For the first time in my life, I am happy with who I am—flaws and all!
Disclosure: I have been offered a 10 weeks with Lindora, in exchange for sharing my personal opinions and experiences with Lindora. All opinions are my own. I only share information about products, companies, and services I believe will be helpful for my readers. I’m losing weight and following the plan on Lindora and loving it!