I am so tired, it literally hurts to have my eyes open. It actually, physically pains me to be awake right now. Allison has been having a hard time getting to sleep at night. Blah, blah, blah….you know the new parent, no-sleeping thing…
Why do I insist on being awake when the baby is sleeping so nicely in the swing? Because I have fallen for that trick a hundred times. She waits until I am all cozy and sound asleep, then springs ravenous hunger on me. I refuse to tease myself with the bleak hope of sleep, only to have my hopes and dreams of a single wink crashed.
Today we went to Breastfeeding Support Group, because this bottle thing has me so stumped. She did not hate the bottle when we gave it to her before. Now, I want to go run. I want to do something for myself. My little angel wants me NOW, WAAAAAHHHHH. I do not feel such guilt now for leaving her with Eric and the bottle. I am not leaving her in a den of lions with battery-acid filled bottles. She will eat when she is hungry. Babies are pretty smart like that. Or, at least that is what the Lactation Consultant and the support group reassured me of. Fact is, tomorrow I am going to run.
I love being a mom, but the other night made me remember how different life is now. After track practice, a few people were going out for pizza and beer. I thought to myself, “Hey, you used to eat pizza and drink beer.” Yes, yes I did. Before the stretch marks, before the hip widening of 2005, I USED TO drink beer. A part of me yearned for that. A part of me wanted to rebelliously go; that baby cannot tell me what to do. People, this is what being a grown-up and letting go of your selfishness feels like. My selfishness did not want to be let go and a part of me did not want it to go away.
It is not better or worse, just different. I miss some things about my old life. I would not trade my new life for any worldly possession. Then there is the mommy guilt for having these feelings.
I did not run away. I did not shrug my responsibilities. Instead, I came back home, kissed my husband, kissed my baby, nursed my baby, and sat my full-figured ass on the couch.